Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up – Slog

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Things on my mind this week: doing something real about gentrification and displacement (TL;DR rapid transit); Trump might be in a FemDom relationship; terrorism; plus I explained a map. Things on letter-writers’ minds: Grindr etiquette; breaking up abroad; douching without taking two hours; dealing with a narcissistic daddy.

Lots of responses to CLIF:

In response to CLIF’s wife, the urge to pee is linked to the ability to squirt. (Have the expert explain this here.) Get the waterproof mattress pad on the bed & enjoy the hell out of the release. It’s awesome!

And:

The wife who has the “constant sensation to pee” might actually be nearing ejaculation and has no idea at all what she’s physically experiencing. Childbirth can actually deepen vaginal sensation during sex after the equipment has healed. You could very well be right about her having faked orgasm a lot previously, but it’s very possible that now, post-childbirth, she is actually, finally orgasmic but is physically terrified of it. A lot of women are afraid of losing that much control, since an orgasm that involves not only the clitoris but its root, the G-spot, goes waaaay beyond any kind of control into sheer animal territory. I.e., it’s primal and not “pretty” or “nice” in any conventional sense. Some work with a sex therapist—or even better, a Reichian body-based psychotherapist (involving and releasing the long-stored emotional fear of her body’s experience, which is cultural as well as personal) would help a lot. Many women mistake a few small excited vaginal contractions for orgasm when, in fact, they are the prelude to a much MUCH deeper orgasm…which many never reach. That kind of orgasm still scares the majority of humanity. It’s not cinematically attractive; it feels as though you are becoming an astrophysical black hole or something, which is not poetic—I more than suspect it’s an actual energetic connection to the Big Bang.

And:

you were quick to point out the stats on PIV only, that it’s usually the friction that’s hitting the button anyway, and that things have changed. and then you drop the ball.
just because the position of the button may have shifted, doesn’t mean you can’t still hit it.
for starters, assuming there are two folks, that means there’s most likely 4 hands handy to slide on down into the action. if you’re in bed you can grab some pillows and prop them behind for a little different angle, or switch up the positions some more. doggy style is typically good to hit the gspot and will leave some hands free for an extra reach around. various versions of riding cowgirl will switch up the angles and keep those hands in handy places. as James crooned, for some girls “she only comes when she’s on top.” and then there are the toy options. even a simple cheap vibrating rubber cock ring could add that extra zing for clitoral stimulation while doing the missionary. which brings me to my favorite toy, that i couldn’t believe didn’t get mentioned: the
we-vibe. this lovely little toy is u-shaped, wraps around from the front button, slides right on in, hitting the gspot, vibrating on a variating of settings and stimulating both partners in all those variety of positions to try. did i also mention it comes with a remote, (apparently now a blue tooth app), and that a pair of panties will also keep it in place almost as well as a cock does when you and your partner are driving down the road or wandering about town? 😉

And:

Your revisiting the CLIF case re-prompted my initial desire to write in: Pelvic nerve damage (bruising, for example) can take a long time to heal—there’s a lot of tangly stuff in that part of the body, like blood supply to the MANY nerves and lots of connective tissue—but it can heal. It probably takes finding some unusual physical therapists who pay attention to things like blood supply to nerves and visceral manipulation: training in the Baral and Upledger schools would be what I’d start with. (I spent ten years with a torn hip socket. That translates, in modern medicine, to “women’s problems” that no one was good at fixing, till I found some awesome physical therapists who sent me to get my hip sewn up and coaxed the blood back and the nerves to chill—this, after I was getting to the point where I couldn’t feel much at ALL below the waist, all the way down the leg, making sex really really suck.) Nerves grow slowly, though, so calm and patience can be really helpful. And the acknowledgement that losing familiar responses in genital nerves SUCKS—and that pain in the area can really get worse if provoked and not addressed. Thanks, Dan, but this may be a case where it’s helpful for clit-havers to weigh in!

In response to erectile dysfunction and NOTHARD:

I wanted to expand on your answer to the woman writing about her husband’s erectile issues. Not to correct you but kind of as a public service, if you will. As my own husband approached age 60 and was starting to have these issues we also assumed it had to do with getting older. We had heard about Viagra’s side effects so we went with some organic herbal supplements, which did help somewhat. But it all turned out to be beside the point. My husband was loath to discuss the issue with anyone, especially an MD, and I generally trusted his judgement, particularly regarding his own body. It turned out we were wrong. Dead wrong. In 2012 my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, which was discovered after he had what we had thought was a benign polyp removed from inside his nose (ironically it was pure discomfort which motivated him to get the surgery). One of the manifestations of the cancer was a walnut-sized tumor at the base of his spine, and we belatedly learned that his sexual difficulty (along with waning sexual interest) was related to the tumor impeding blood flow to the penis. Eight months later, after a painful illness, he was gone. So my point is, don’t assume that ED is purely age related. Get your husband in for a full body scan when things go wrong sexually. There could be an underlying cause that has nothing to do with sex. If only I had known.

So sorry for your loss, and thanks for taking the time to write.

And on PASSION and Caverject:

I worked on the original Caverject packaging and ad campaign back in the mid-90s. The diagrams and cautions that were included in the prescribing information about the needles breaking off in the shaft of the penis seemed like they’d be enough to discourage use. They definitely terrified me. Of the 5 or 6 campaigns we presented to the client, they picked the most predictably silly: a color photo of male peacock in full display with the tagline, “Restore the Pride, Restore the Power.” We laughed about that campaign a LOT at the agency.

A response from CIAO:

Hi Dan, thanks for answering my question and posting it to SLLOTD—thanks to you, I got up the courage to speak with my boyfriend last night and broke up with him. Your advice pushed me over the line—giving me the confidence I needed to make my decision. Very sad but the right thing to do. Thank you!

CIAO decided to go to Italy on her own, and do a little solo traveling… and maybe an Italian boy or two.

And finally some douching advice for DOUCHER:

Instead of one 2-hour session, try several 5-min sessions spaced 5-10 minutes apart. After you clear out whatever your body is immediately ready to get rid of, 5-10 minutes later, it might have more ready to go. But you can’t hurry your body. You have to wait. If you sit there furiously flushing the whole time, you’re not speeding it up; you’re just adding and flushing excessive amounts of water. Doesn’t help. Instead, in round 1, just give yourself a few flushes till there’s nothing substantial coming out anymore. Then take a break. Don’t expect to get clean in round 1. After 5-10 minutes, go for round 2. Give yourself a few more flushes (3-7). Hopefully by the end, the water should be coming out clean. If not, take a break anyway. Come back 5-10 minutes later for the next round. Repeat as necessary. When the water comes out clean on the first flush, and you pass a finger check, you’re done. For me, I’m usually ready in 3 rounds (10-15 min on toilet, 30 min total). On a bad day, maybe 6 rounds. My boyfriend used to spend an hour in the toilet too, till I showed him this method. It should work for you too.

I just use the basic shower douche: unscrew the shower head, place end of hose lightly against butthole, water shoots up. That way you have a better idea of how much water is going up (with an inserted shower douche, it’s harder to tell). Find the right balance for the right amount of water – too much and you’ll fill up your colon, making it very hard to get clean; too little and it won’t be enough to clear. I don’t know if anybody else uses the multi-round method, but curious to know if this is common.

Finally, a reader had thoughts on me describing Dr. Jennifer Gunter as a “kick-ass tweeter”:

Straight, middle-aged writer here. Please lose that sorry slang synonym for “marvelous,” “superlative,” “great,” and what the French call “cowly owl” (vachement chouette, “vachement” being the adverbial form of cow). I’m referring to “kick-ass”, which is derived from slang that literally means “to beat up.” I think you’ll agree, now that I’ve put it this way, that it’s really bad writing. In fact, when I’ve been on dating sites, a woman’s use of that compound adjective signals to me that I’m not interested in her. Anyway, love your column, but “kick-ass” is like a bad blemish on a beautiful woman’s face.

You’ve been warned, ladies: compound adjectives could cost you the pleasure of this man’s company.

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